It’s officially one year since I wrote my first blog. I thought the drama was finally coming to an end so I was excited to invite readers to join in on the escapade to have some chuckles at my past mistakes and learn from them. Jokes on me. Who knew the drama had just begun?

(Apple music please: Hearstings by Leighton Meester)

Before I began the first blog, I did some research on millennial mother bloggers. It was nothing but picture-perfect aesthetics and stuff like how to make the perfect gluten-free dinner for your family.

My life is nothing like that. Here’s what it is:

I wanted to write about the traumas endured at childhood, being in the depths of despair because my high school boyfriend cheated on me, my parents telenovela divorce which landed me into therapy, inexcusable and reprehensible things I’ve done, house arrest, baby daddy drama, work, addictions…etc. but there’s a few CURRENT things I need to address before they become underlying issues deeply rooted into my psyche.

First and foremost, the last blog I wrote, you know, about the misogynistic, cheating, narcissist? Well, that was essentially a foreshadowing of what was happening to me. When I discovered my ex Nick’s dog behavior, I had to stop blogging for a few months because I wrote some vile things that do not reflect my character. The last thing I want to do is vilify my ex, although he is a self-proclaimed villain. I should have listened to him when he told me who he was. Should’ve, could’ve huh? Well, now that I am currently habituating in my transcendental Zen state, I’m ready to share this lecture on how to reach such heights.

Rewind to March 2019 when I went to Peru for my aunt’s mass after she passed away. (Little did I know while in Peru, Nick was inviting girls over to my apartment and using my daughters Ipad to watch porn… two words: Mia Khalifa).

When I was coming back from Peru, I met this beautiful Domicana chica who was standing behind me in customs at the airport. I asked her to hold my spot in line, she looked taken aback but I ran to the bathroom anyway. When I came back, we began talking about our marketing jobs. Exactly three hours later, Natalie and I were the closest of friends. We bonded over shared anxiety, our journey toward enlightenment, our fascination with ayahuasca ceremonies, failed relationships, heartbreaks, and dreams. Literally, we talked about the dreams we had when we slept. A spiritually woke Latina, who practices shamanism, and can see auras. I was in love! It was pure contentment speaking to someone who can speak Spiritualism. We became so close very quickly that she even asked me to join her marketing team. We exchanged numbers and she planned to come visit me in California.

Five months later when she came to visit me in late August, Nick and I were working on our relationship. See, while I was in Peru, we had taken a break. *Plays Friends theme song

Immediately she sensed a darkness around me when he would enter the room. She said my energy devolved and turned black. She was right because I could feel it. She pulled me aside and told me she had a task for me.

“Get a yellow notebook, go to the beach, and write exactly what you want in a man, EXACTLY what you want.”

I was with Nick for so long I didn’t necessarily know where to begin. So, my lazy ass that doesn’t really care to go out of my way to go to the beach opens my notes on my Iphone and labeled it: “My guy” and began to imagine what I would want. It was like a human menu: athlete, kind, understanding, fair, soft but aggressive, dark hair, dark eyes, healthy, animal friendly, gym goer… and I didn’t finish. I figured I had more than enough time to update my list at any given day. I had the rest of my life.

Although Nick and I were working on the little relationship we had left, in my mind, I knew the relationship was incurable. It killed us both. So in the end when his best friend’s girlfriend called and told me she saw some text messages from Nick on her boyfriend’s phone about a threesome he had behind my back, I wasn’t shattered. Information that would have been unbearable two years ago spilled out like hot lava. The eruption came in just in time. He was in my bathroom, sitting on the toilet and he knew there was no way to back paddle out of this one. There was tangible evidence. Now, my bathroom doesn’t have a lock, it just slides open. So, when I shot the door wide opened, the look on his face was exactly like that shocked emoji. I asked him a simple “why?” There was a thick silence you could slice through. There was no explanation. We were two kids teeter totting our entire relationship. I knew why. It took me a few months to understand, but I knew why.

I think what disturbed me the most was the fact that he watched me sit on my bed and write about the misfortunes of my friend Layla and had the audacity to shake his head in agreement with me as I wrote about her ex’s Tasmanian devil behavior. I miscalculated Nick. Imagine sleeping next to the devil incarnated. If he could join in on this dialogue, he would say: “But Ang, we hurt each other, you slept with the ONE person I told you to stop talking to behind my back!”

And I would say, “WE WERE ON A BREAK, you cheated on me while we were trying to work on things.”

Here is the thing, he gaslighted me into blindness. My mind disallowed me to recognize my instincts pleading to shut it down and allowed his words to nurture my suspicions. A pretty way of saying: I was a fucking idiot.

In the breakup blog I ranted about our petty arguments that turned into chaos and it was because there was something I could feel happening but I just didn’t know what it was. He was a master at deflecting, which ultimately cornered me into catching a charge but that’s neither here nor there. That will be addressed at a later date.

As a teen going into my adulthood after any breakup, I would paint my nails and tell myself “by the time they are completely chipped off, I will be over the breakup.” So, I was eager to scratch the paint off myself. I didn’t know how to feel. I was livid, then I was humiliated, then I was distressed. Distressed because of how integrated he was with my family and mostly Kamille. My nephews adored him. They were already heartbroken that things didn’t work out with the father of my child. It took them a long time to come to terms that he wouldn’t be their uncle. But alas, this was exactly what I needed to finally be over and done with Nick. Sure, I would get sick when a Daniel Caesar song came on, or when I would see a cat meme, I so desperately wanted to send him. But all in all. I was relieved it was over.

A few days after the revelations of betrayal were exposed, I scanned through social media. I was curious about the dating world. I had been out of the game for 3 years. But I also felt like I needed to take this leap so I would be certain it was over. So, it was like a game of Russian Roulette as I spun through the faces that interested me. It was Thanksgiving vacation and Kamille was with her father that year, so it got a little lonely. I know it’s not the healthiest thing to do, but hey, I’m working on myself.

I shot a message to…we will name him Scorpio since he is the first and last Scorpio I will ever date. He came over and we didn’t leave my apartment for 4 days. He and I are completely incompatible. I mean the bed chemistry was sensational but on the fourth day of being entrapped in my room by our own freewill, I forced us to go out. The Uber drive was silent, there was no conversation over dinner until the third drink. It turned out that I knew nothing about him and to be frank, I met him the same exact way I met Nick. My job had sent me to his college to speak about our programs. I SWEAR I only gave my number out to three people. I didn’t intend on this to happen! Anyway, as I began to learn him, the list in my Iphone notes labeled “my guy” began to unravel. He is an athlete, a soccer player, pretty kind, pretty understanding, dark hair, dark eyes, doesn’t miss a single day at the gym, the sweetest to my cat and dog…but like I said, the list was unfinished. He was the worst at communication, his social anxiety gave me anxiety, and there were a multitude of red flags that gave me flashbacks when he would take out his vape pen to smoke weed. Regardless, we discussed not having a relationship because he didn’t “want to feel like a rebound.” I had decided to stay single and heal the latest trauma. But who says you can’t have a little fun while doing so? Sure, I was drawn to Scorpio. Who wouldn’t be when he asked to borrow a book and said: “we reading ALL 2020!” I was ready to have my second child after that statement, but it was just a statement. He never finished a single book the few months we spoke. It is what it is.

I know it’s wrong to compare and contrast BUT comparatively speaking, it was refreshing to hear Scorpios story. This person who practically raised himself, had nothing and fought for everything he has. Whereas Nick who was adopted and was handed everything, he was literally saved from the streets only to throw it away with his debaucheries.

I think that’s what I needed. That hope to know I still have the ability to like someone. I didn’t think it was possible after the Nick shit show.

So now I’ve added a few new things to my list so I don’t manifest the wrong person again: has shit together, great communicator, can function without weed. Will my list grow? I’m sure it will. As for now, let’s wait.

Moral of the story, don’t procrastinate on your human vision board.

Apple Music: Ghost of a good thing by Dashboard Confessional